At which point my suppressed emotions have come bursting out of the dark corners of my soul, its been three months since I’d abandoned meditation. Owing to poor communication and brain fog, which is also a symptom of PCOS, I wasn’t able to concentrate on anything at all. And the worst of all, it wasn’t clear enough to know just what was happening… A body evolving into something it never was, and yet still holding an ancient memory of what it always was, what for 20 years it had suppressed and could no longer do so.
The last weekend we took the boat over to a beautiful island to camp out. There were many glossy families there, beautiful people and kids bathing in the sea. It was lovely until it got too hot for me. And then it started to feel like I was in a ginormous ship in a mad storm trying to hold on to an invisible mast from flipping everyone and all things overboard. Something big had to go and it was impossible to know what.
And so, these uncontrollable outbursts suddenly started the next day upon returning from our trip. Leading to headaches and complete exhaustion. I made a desperate cry to reach out to anyone since I really felt like this was totally unfamiliar territory. It definitely isn’t an area for a man to understand alone and so it has been utterly confusing for my husband, frustrating for me especially when I knew what I needed to keep my health under control. Nevertheless the outburst certainly made a few things clear: that (not only) am I luckier than I thought I was, to have women in my life who are strong and smart, I’m also very lucky to speak from a place of honesty. At this point, all these bottled up emotions had to come out so I could feel the edges of my reality, and to know amongst the circle I had half-wittedly fallen into, what was the quality of all my relationships….
From this new place of clarity, I hope to find a piece of myself I have neglected for 20 years.